king of the mountain
The following is a play-by play of a hypothetical family outing. It is compiled from actual events which took place during our family vacations in the 70's. I've chosen a mountain park as a destination.
Prior to departing for the mountain;
Mom and Dad get into a bitter argument because Dad promised to take us, and then denied any such promise at the last minute.
Second-oldest brother Steve and Dad get into a fistfight because Steve refuses to sit in the back although it is undoubtedly his turn.
Oldest sister Pam bursts into tears because she is afraid she is too fat to climb the mountain and plus she only has one pair of shoes, clunky wooden clogs. My mother tells her, “You are the one that wanted those damn ugly shoes! I told you to get something else, but noooooo! Shut the hell up and get yer ass in the car!”
A 25 minute house search for Lil Kathy ensues. Nobody realized she had been patiently waiting in the car even though she told her sister, mother and father.
At the GasNSip Convenience Mart;
Older brother Steve shoplifts cigarettes, rolling papers and one of those oversized combs that everybody wore in their back pocket.
Oldest sister Pam vomits in the restroom due to motion sickness and bursts into tears.
A 25 minute search of the store, the parking lot and the adjacent wooded lot takes place to find lil Kathy. Nobody realized she didn’t get out of the car.
Brother Jeff is left behind because he was looking at a shoplifted Hustler magazine in the restroom. He is picked up approximately ¼ mile down the road.
At the Mountain entrance;
Dad embarrasses us by complaining about the cost of admission to the guy manning the gate.
Mom and Dad have a bitter argument about finances.
Mom embarrasses Dad by asking the gate guy if we can get our money back because (quote) “…My husband is a god damn cheapskate jackass!”
My father yells at my mother to “Just C’mon, Patsy! Damn!”
At the Mountain;
Dad remains in the parking lot smoking cigarettes and listening to Merle Haggard on 8-track. He claims an old army injury is acting up so he doesn’t have to be seen with Mom, who is currently at her heavy weight.
Steve and Jeff purposely get lost so they can smoke weed and vandalize the men’s bathroom.
Pam bursts into tears at the base of the mountain because she is afraid to climb and already has a blister.
Mom starts up the mountain only to become distracted by picking up litter and rearranging piles of rocks.
Lil Kathy climbs the mountain, comes back down and gets into the car. Nobody notices and a 25 minute search of the mountain ensues.
After the mountain;
Steve and Jeff both claim to be King of the Mountain. A fistfight breaks out after Steve calls Jeff a faggot, and Jeff calls Steve a queer.
Pam weeps silently.
Mom turns around on her knees in the front seat, so that if you were facing the front of our car her ample polyester covered bottom would be on full display. She deftly beats Steve and Jeff into submission while shrieking threats punctuated by obscenities.
Lil Kathy makes faces and obscene gestures to the occupants of other cars.
Dad bitterly argues with Mom about directions and is in turn reminded of his infidelity in 1964.
Prior to departing for the mountain;
Mom and Dad get into a bitter argument because Dad promised to take us, and then denied any such promise at the last minute.
Second-oldest brother Steve and Dad get into a fistfight because Steve refuses to sit in the back although it is undoubtedly his turn.
Oldest sister Pam bursts into tears because she is afraid she is too fat to climb the mountain and plus she only has one pair of shoes, clunky wooden clogs. My mother tells her, “You are the one that wanted those damn ugly shoes! I told you to get something else, but noooooo! Shut the hell up and get yer ass in the car!”
A 25 minute house search for Lil Kathy ensues. Nobody realized she had been patiently waiting in the car even though she told her sister, mother and father.
At the GasNSip Convenience Mart;
Older brother Steve shoplifts cigarettes, rolling papers and one of those oversized combs that everybody wore in their back pocket.
Oldest sister Pam vomits in the restroom due to motion sickness and bursts into tears.
A 25 minute search of the store, the parking lot and the adjacent wooded lot takes place to find lil Kathy. Nobody realized she didn’t get out of the car.
Brother Jeff is left behind because he was looking at a shoplifted Hustler magazine in the restroom. He is picked up approximately ¼ mile down the road.
At the Mountain entrance;
Dad embarrasses us by complaining about the cost of admission to the guy manning the gate.
Mom and Dad have a bitter argument about finances.
Mom embarrasses Dad by asking the gate guy if we can get our money back because (quote) “…My husband is a god damn cheapskate jackass!”
My father yells at my mother to “Just C’mon, Patsy! Damn!”
At the Mountain;
Dad remains in the parking lot smoking cigarettes and listening to Merle Haggard on 8-track. He claims an old army injury is acting up so he doesn’t have to be seen with Mom, who is currently at her heavy weight.
Steve and Jeff purposely get lost so they can smoke weed and vandalize the men’s bathroom.
Pam bursts into tears at the base of the mountain because she is afraid to climb and already has a blister.
Mom starts up the mountain only to become distracted by picking up litter and rearranging piles of rocks.
Lil Kathy climbs the mountain, comes back down and gets into the car. Nobody notices and a 25 minute search of the mountain ensues.
After the mountain;
Steve and Jeff both claim to be King of the Mountain. A fistfight breaks out after Steve calls Jeff a faggot, and Jeff calls Steve a queer.
Pam weeps silently.
Mom turns around on her knees in the front seat, so that if you were facing the front of our car her ample polyester covered bottom would be on full display. She deftly beats Steve and Jeff into submission while shrieking threats punctuated by obscenities.
Lil Kathy makes faces and obscene gestures to the occupants of other cars.
Dad bitterly argues with Mom about directions and is in turn reminded of his infidelity in 1964.
posted by katherine at 9:36 AM
1 Comments:
Ahhh, childhood....I love sweet Katherine sitting in the car, just waiting patiently for her family- to come to their senses? That patience has certainly inspired some wonderful writing-thanks. I wish I could eat and read but I don't want to get oatmeal on my computer...
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