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I have been under the care of psychologists and psychiatrists for eight years. I have tried seven medications, alone or in combination. I suspected mental illness ran rampant in my family so I started to read anything psychology-related when I was quite young. Insomnia has been a problem for me since I was a small child. I remember staying awake long after everybody else was asleep, creating plays and television shows with my stuffed animals. I started watching Saturday Night Live when I was five. (What five year old is awake at 11:30 p.m.? And alert enough to know John Belushi is her favorite castmember? JB died when I was 11. I heard the news as I was walking home from school and literally sat down on the sidewalk and cried.) I would often find myself curled into a ball on the floor of the living room in front of the TV as my brothers were coming out to watch morning programs like Ray Rayner.
I've realized that there is a seasonal pattern to my disorder. I have periods of high efficacy in the late winter/early spring that last until mid summer. Organization comes easily. I can go to sleep at a reasonable time. I can get out of bed in the morning. I can work for 12-14 hours with no breaks. I lose weight. I start exercise regimes. When I have been promoted at work, it has always been in spring/summer.
I start to slow down in late summer. I feel increasingly more exhausted. I have problems with concentration and short term memory. I feel overwhelmed with work and taking care of myself. During these periods, my laundry goes undone, my dishes remain in the sink for embarrassingly long periods of time, everything is covered in dust. I crave carbohydrates and fat. I gain weight. Nothing seems worthwhile. I can think of nothing to do that seems pleasurable. Sleep begins at a normal hour, then is interrupted every two hours or so until 2 a.m, when I am suddenly wide awake. I have cleaned my house, read books and written papers for school at 2 a.m. At around 4, I feel drowsy and go back to sleep. When my alarm goes off at 6, I can't get out of bed. I slip into suicidal ideation during these periods. It is common for me to have a plan, supplies, and letters written on hand. When I start to feel better or more rational, I rid my house of anything related to "the plan."
In the past, professionals have always diagnosed me with depression; clinical, major, dysthymic...etc. Recently, after purchasing a DSM IV in an attempt to figure out for myself what is going on with me, I ran across the criteria for cyclothymic disorder. It seems to fit with my pattern.
My new elfin shrink told me about hypo-mania. It doesn't fit the criteria for the manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder. It is a step under the euphoria. As he explained it, it sounds like hyper-efficiency. This could be another diagnostic option. I meet with the psychiatrist on Monday. I want to know if I can manage my illness without pharmaceuticals. I wonder what he will suggest.
I've realized that there is a seasonal pattern to my disorder. I have periods of high efficacy in the late winter/early spring that last until mid summer. Organization comes easily. I can go to sleep at a reasonable time. I can get out of bed in the morning. I can work for 12-14 hours with no breaks. I lose weight. I start exercise regimes. When I have been promoted at work, it has always been in spring/summer.
I start to slow down in late summer. I feel increasingly more exhausted. I have problems with concentration and short term memory. I feel overwhelmed with work and taking care of myself. During these periods, my laundry goes undone, my dishes remain in the sink for embarrassingly long periods of time, everything is covered in dust. I crave carbohydrates and fat. I gain weight. Nothing seems worthwhile. I can think of nothing to do that seems pleasurable. Sleep begins at a normal hour, then is interrupted every two hours or so until 2 a.m, when I am suddenly wide awake. I have cleaned my house, read books and written papers for school at 2 a.m. At around 4, I feel drowsy and go back to sleep. When my alarm goes off at 6, I can't get out of bed. I slip into suicidal ideation during these periods. It is common for me to have a plan, supplies, and letters written on hand. When I start to feel better or more rational, I rid my house of anything related to "the plan."
In the past, professionals have always diagnosed me with depression; clinical, major, dysthymic...etc. Recently, after purchasing a DSM IV in an attempt to figure out for myself what is going on with me, I ran across the criteria for cyclothymic disorder. It seems to fit with my pattern.
My new elfin shrink told me about hypo-mania. It doesn't fit the criteria for the manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder. It is a step under the euphoria. As he explained it, it sounds like hyper-efficiency. This could be another diagnostic option. I meet with the psychiatrist on Monday. I want to know if I can manage my illness without pharmaceuticals. I wonder what he will suggest.
posted by katherine at 7:22 PM
1 Comments:
Hmmmm...very interesting self analysis. I'm trying to remember at which point I met you. So we need to come up with a way to sustain you thru the fall...and I agree that sleep or loss of it is the key.
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