me! me! me! the trilogy trifecta

"We are all sinners. Everyone here, including myself...a sinner." Mimi was channeling a television evangelist. I wasn't laughing anymore. The base humor of the "spoofed" comment had worn off. I was stunned silent. This woman had opened the meeting with the generalized "men have hurt me" statement. She proceeded to introduce a completely inappropriate topic full of fundamentalist undertones. She'd assumed and declared Pearson and I to be naive or promiscuous or both. Now, she was blatantly pushing a conservative Christian agenda onto a room full of mentally ill people (who were not even here on our own volition). Although the situation was still ludicrous to me, I was wondering if I should be offended. Imagine this happening to a group of cancer patients.
I didn't leave because I knew this show wasn't over yet. I had to see how far she was going to take this. She proceeded to tell us of her failed marriage, which she blamed entirely on her ex-husband. She described him as a wildly successful mechanical genius who was unable to give her emotional support. She went on to describe his blunt affect and lack of social skills. I raised my hand and asked her if he was ever evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome. His symptoms seemed textbook clear. She looked puzzled, then irritated, finally she threw her hands in the air and yelled, "WHO CARES!?!"
Aha. I suspected Mimi had no mental health credentials.
Mimi went on to explain that her marriage was based upon the physical aspect of sex. The marriage had failed because the sex wasn't satisfying. They were not fully experiencing the sex. The image of the Miminator fully experiencing the sex with the Asperger's geek was at once repulsive and morbidly hilarious. Sexual satisfaction, explained Mimi (by way of her Fundamentalist Christian Counselor, I assume) was a three dimensional experience. The three dimensions of sexual satisfaction were Physical, Emotional and Spiritual (disclaimer/notice: this part of the discussion could have some merit. I am not completely opposed to this idea). If you were not experiencing sex on all three dimensions, you were not satisfied. This, according to Mimi (and her cult leader, no doubt) was why people looked to other means such as masturbation, pornography, and adultery.
Dave saw a way to liven up this discussion. He'd been on the ward for 23 days. He had to create entertainment where he could find it. "Awww, what's wrong with a l'il pornography?" he said. For the first time in the four days since I arrived, I saw a bit of life in his eyes. At this, Mimi leaned her buxomness over the table toward Dave. "If you used pornography during your marriage, you did not love your wife." Pearson and I were shocked. Dave spoke lovingly of his wife at every possible opportunity. As sure as Dave loved heroin, he had loved that poor dead coke addicted woman. "Oh, no...I did love my wife...very much so!" Dave actually looked hurt. "No, Dave, you could not have loved your wife if you indulged in pornography. She... never... had... your... heart." When she said the last bit, she brought her fist to her heart like Celine Dion working Ceasar's Palace. Who was this crazy bitch? Why were we being subjected to this?
Mimi told us that any sexual act not experienced with a spouse was ultimately unsatisfying because it could not meet the three dimensional criteria. "That is why masturbation should be avoided." she said. Then, she dropped the bomb, "I understand the temptation. I have been celibate for eight years. I, too, have done the masturbation thing."
I was sure that Pearson and I were in solidarity on this latest bit of Meemster-disclosure. I decided to check in with Leonard. I turned to look at him. He didn't return my look. His eyes looked a little glazed over. His expression was serious...interested, even. I couldn't believe it. He was buying it. She had gotten Lenny.
"The only way to abstain from the masturbation thing is to create accountability, and to make the experience less pleasurable. There are three things you must do when you are tempted to do the masturbation thing. First; you must leave the lights on. Second, you must keep your eyes open. Third, you must not fantasize." She was writing this on the board as she spoke; '1. Lights on!, 2. Eyes Open!' etc. . "Now, I want to talk about accountability. You must find an abstinence partner."
Huh?
"An abstinence partner is a friend, who might be in the same situation as you, who may also be struggling with the masturbation thing. Whenever you feel the temptation to do the masturbation, you call up your friend and say, 'You know, man, I really am tempted to do this masturbation thing' and this is the kind of friend who'll say,'C'mon over. Let's have some coffee and talk about it' and that is what an abstinence partner is."
Tune in again for the riveting conclusion.