me! me!

Between the hours of four and five, patients on the Crisis Stabilization Unit were supposed to attend Patient Education Group. As I am usually a compliant sort, I went down to the Group Room at the end of the hall and took a seat between my roommate, Pearson, a cheery 20 year old cutter, on the right and the cute alcoholic guy, Leonard, on the left. Dave sat next to Leonard. Dave was a former millionaire who had made his fortune owning a bar and selling boats in a resort town on Lake Michigan. He became a heroin addict. After his wife died (slammed her Cadillac through the garage while having a cocaine induced heart attack), the Daveman went to Las Vegas to recreate the lifestyle of the Nicholas Cage character in the film 'Leaving Las Vegas'. He planned to drink and snort heroin and indulge in hookers until he died. He ran through all of his cash and found himself still alive despite his efforts. He currently divides his time between the hospital, heroin binges and suicide attempts. Given his history, Dave always conducted himself as if he were hosting a party. His wardrobe consisted of cargo pants and Hawaiian shirts. In late September. In Illinois. He greeted every female with "Good Morning, Sweetheart!" or "Gonna join us for lunch, beautiful?" The guys received handshakes or robust back slaps.
When Karen came in to join the group, Dave greeted her with his favorite female salutation, "Hey, Dolly!"
Our Group Leader for this hour was Mimi. She immediately said, "Is your name Dolly?" to Karen.
Karen replied no.
"If her name isn't Dolly, why are you calling her that?" Mimi asked Dave.
Dave in his usual cloudy way, responded, "It's a term of....an expression of..."
"Endearment" I said. Dave pointed to me and nodded vigorously.
"He calls us all Dolly. You will probably be Dolly soon enough." I said to Mimi.
"OOOhh, No, I won't." said Mimi in a grave overdramatic way. Then she turned to Dave, "You better not call me Dolly, because I have been very hurt by men in my life."
I exchanged a look with Pearson. We had a feeling we were in for some very interesting Patient Education.
"Before we start, I would like to ask the group a question." said Mimi. "If you believed something, and it wasn't true, would you want to know?" Around the table, there were shrugs, head nods, vague acknowledgements.
"Our Education Group today will be about Sexuality." Mimi wrote "Sexuality" on the board.
Pearson and I exchanged looks again. Across from us, Dominic, a coke addict, made a wheezy sound. Dominic always wheezed, (probably because he looked like he could fall over dead at any minute. His eyes were always half closed, and his mouth hung open with his tongue partially hanging out, and his teeth were just horrible; yellow, black, missing, crooked. He was emaciated with a huge head.) but this was an intentional wheeze. A sort of "Pshaw!" wheeze. We looked at him and he rolled his eyes under the heavy wrinkled lids and shook his head atop his toothpick neck. He was 45. He looked 70 except for his stylish haircut. He had good hair and he was workin' that one last remaining feature for all it was worth.
"Your sexuality is your most precious posession." Mimi was looking at us as if she was going to burst into tears. "But, so often, we just throw it away...instead of waiting for a commitment." What the hell? This was a county, not a faith based, hospital. I did a mental inventory...have I seen any nuns? statues of the Madonna? lifesize depictions of Christ on the cross? those pastel portraits that make Jesus look like a very pretty homosexual hippie with shiny long hair? No, no, no, no. None of those.
"I don't just mean with meaningless trysts with others...I am also talking about masturbation."
Karen, a gentle, quiet soul, rose soundlessly from her seat and floated out the door.
Ashley, the 18 year old "emo" cutter who usually sat with her waist-length hair covering her entire face, clamped her hand over her mouth and laughed out "EXCUSE ME!" before running out.
Dominic sputtered and wheezed and declared "This is not what I am here for!" and made a dismissive gesture with his oversized hand attached to a filament of an arm as he left.
Mimi continued to extol the virtues of celibacy. When Pearson and I couldn't control ourselves and tried unsucessfully to hide our laughter, she pointed to us and shouted, "Laugh all you want, ladies, but you're getting spoofed!" Her choice of the word "spoofed" was too much. Pearson and I laughed openly and didn't try to hide the looks of disbelief and hilarity on our faces. The situation was too ridiculous. We didn't know that the worst was yet to come.
To be continued.